Are We There Yet?

Well, there it is, I’ve, at last, completed my cancer treatment. Afraid, it wasn't a case of time flies when you’re enjoying it! It was the longest and most difficult six weeks I’ve ever had to face in my life. 

I know in previous blogs I’ve gone on a bit of how tough it’s been but unless you’ve gone through it, you just don't appreciate what’s involved and how you and your body will react and respond to it. I shared my experiences with many of my brave fellow patients I met at The Beatson who all echoed the same. Nothing prepares you for it.

I’m not going to bang-on or brag about my treatment but one bit of advice I would give is if you ever have the misfortune of having to undergo cancer treatment then do try to speak or link up with someone who has. They will have a better understanding than anyone within your family and friends of what you’re going though. Just knowing that what you’re feeling is normal can be tremendously re-assuring & encouraging. Also do make use of the various support groups - MacMillan, Beatson Charity, Maggies - that are available. I know It is hard, at the start, to acknowledge and talk about what's happening to you esp. to a stranger but once you do, a weight’s taken off your shoulders and you find another team of people there to help you when you need them.

Whilst getting to this stage seems a great achievement I’m actually only part way through the journey. I’ve got another 4 to 6 weeks recovery followed by a further scan later in the year to find out if the treatment’s been successful.

I had hoped that the last couple of weeks of treatment would be incident free as I was only having daily RT. Unfortunately, this didn't quiet work out that way as I had an unexpected 3 day stay back at The Beatson. The pain from the treatment was getting so severe that I was unable to swallow and consequently eat. I went in with the possibility of getting fitted with a feeding tube however we managed to avoid that by increasing the level of my pain-killers. Now on a daily dose of morphine which has helped to keep things in check and allow me to eat. Working ok so far.

I also had a blood transfusion when I was in as they found out I was slightly anaemic — again, another side effect.

First week of recovery now over and, it’s fair to say, I haven't felt as if I’ve recovered or even started to. If anything, the pain, at times, has been worse than during treatment. I was warned that things could get worse for the first couple of weeks as a result of the build up RT in my system over the 6 week period starting to work its way out. The one good thing about this is that it’s still working to fight the tumour, as well, so I shouldn't be that ungrateful.

At the end of the treatment, my team seemed happy with my progress which is a positive even if I felt like s***e!

So what’s next? Well, I will hopefully recover, get back to some sort of normality,  and try and enjoy a wee bit of whatever summer we get. Will also try to catch up with all the friends who have supported me over the piece — because of all the side-effects, issues, etc I haven't been able to see or speak with many of them. Won’t worry about what might or might not be awaiting me in later months. No point, I can’t control it and whatever it is we’ll deal with it then.

I’ve enjoyed writing the blog — has made me think a lot more about me as a person on various levels — and hopefully you’ve enjoyed reading it. I’ll continue to update it and share with you how and where the rest of the journey’s going. In the meantime, thanks for all your support and encouragement. It helped to got us though some dark times.

Craig & Karen

Make Sure You Can Practice What You Preach

Since I started sharing my and writing the blogs many people have commented on how brave I am to go through what I’m going through and also for sharing it with others, many of whom do not know me.

For those who do know me, I don’t think brave would be one of the three words you’d use to describe me. Also. I’ve never regard myself as brave. Either because I can be a bit of a “woos” when it comes to tough things or I’ve been fortunate in life not to have had to face too many.

This however, got me thinking about what or how you need to be when facing in to tough challenges. For me, I came to the conclusion that being brave is about enduring or facing danger without showing fear. It’s when you have been given a choice and make a conscious decision to act in a certain way or take a particular course of action. I unfortunately didn't have a choice either with my diagnosis and treatment, so I haven't felt that I needed to be brave in facing what I’m going through, in that sense.

Don't get me wrong, I’m not trying to trivialise what I and many others are having to go through, it’s just that I don't see myself as being brave. Others may see it differently. I’m just doing what I think is needed. 

So if I don’t need to be brave, what do I think I need to get through tough times where I have no choice or options?

I think, “courage’ is probably a more appropriate term, and I see it as “ having strength in the fear of pain or grief.” Once you know, more or less, what you’re going to have to face and you know it’s likely to be tough then you need to draw on whatever strength is required to get you through it. 

It’s quiet ironic then that it’s taken some comments from the blogs for me to reflect on what I really need to get me through this challenge. At the start, my initial positivity was based on the fact that I viewed the treatment simply as a process. I was fit & healthy, and, if I just focussed on getting through it then things would be fine. I remember telling people I could do this all by myself, more or less. Did I really have courage?

Unfortunately, the reality has been much different particularly over the past week or so. I’m afraid, I either under-estimated the intensity of the treatment or didn't show it the necessary respect. Probably a bit of both with words like arrogance and naivety, coming to mind. At the start of my journey, I must admit I didn’t think I needed to have all this emotional stuff in my kit bag but how wrong have I been. 

For those of you who have been following the blogs you’ll know that the treatment, so far, has been a bit rubbish and over the last week or so it has got a lot tougher. As one of the RT team said to me “we’re knocking the crap out of you each day, so no wonder you’re feeling a bit down!’

My weakness, I feel, is that I have viewed the journey as some sort of personal crusade and when things have not gone to plan or expected I have let them sap my energy and emotion. I, therefore, haven't had the necessary courage to get through it or ask for the help I might need. I have, at times, been a bit fearful of the whole thing.

It’s fair to say, I haven’t been using the full support of my team at The Beatson as much as I should have and shared with them how I’m feeling and doing. As a result I’ve been doing more worrying and heavy-lifting than I’ve needed. These guys are there to support me and know all about cases like mine and the “in’s & out’s”. 

Thankfully, my approach has now changed and I have started sharing with them how I feel, what’s hurting, etc, and let them come up with solutions or re-assurances rather than me struggling on my own and using up too much emotional energy. This has made me feel much better and more positive about getting through the rest of the treatment. A painful lesson learned.

So what has been the big learning for me, then? Well, when you’re faced with any big challenge in life, be as honest as you can be. Are you really ready to take it on? Is your way the right way? Know and admit your limitations & weakness. Seek out the right support at the outset and keep this with you for the whole journey. Things like this can’t be overcome on your own. You need back up.

As far as writing the blog, I’ve no worries about sharing my world with others. It helps me, as this one shows, & it might help others. If nothing else people get to find out how much a “drama queen” I can be and see a selection of my pyjamas!

I thought I’d wait until I had a 2nd Chemo session so I could bring you up to date with all the fun and antics I got up to. Afraid nothing major nor funny to report. The team got the anti-sickness medicine sorted, I was more relaxed as I knew what to expect, and I peed for all that I was worth. So far, no repeat of drama following the first episode which I’m really pleased with but disappointed I couldn't bring you some more funnies.

So that’s the 4th week almost finished with all the Chemo behind me. Just got my Radiotherapy for another couple of weeks to focus on. The challenges I now face are the cumulative effects on my body and immune system, managing the side effects so that I keep eating & drinking what I need each day, conserving my energies so I’m as fit as I can be for the treatment, and leaning on my team when I need them.

Finally, the last pyjama snap got a great response so here’s another one to keep some my admirers going till the next blog.

As always, thanks for reading alongwith all your encouragement and support.

Craig & Karen